Showing posts with label Humour. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Humour. Show all posts

Friday, 20 June 2014

French Police & the Englishman

Hey Dudes,

To lighten our moods, a friend sent me this annecdote the other day :

This happened to an Englishman in France who was totally drunk.The French policeman stops his car and asks the gentleman if he has been drinking. With great difficulty, the Englishman admits that he has been drinking all day, that his daughter got married in the morning to a French man, and that he drank champagne and a few bottles of wine at the reception and a quite few glasses of single malt there after. Quite upset, the policeman proceeds to alcotest (breath test) him and asks the Englishman if he knows under French Law why he is going to be arrested. The Englishman answers with humour: 'No sir, I do not! But while we're asking questions, do you know that this is a British car and my wife is driving... on the other side???'



Tuesday, 20 May 2014

Yorkshire accent

It's been discussed that American is allegedly  'proper' English. But what about  Yorkshire [& other regional English accents]? 


Wednesday, 7 May 2014

Who I'll be voting for in the Euro Elections


Who knows if this will be a protest vote on my behalf or something more permanent. But as a lifelong conservative, I am stick to the back teeth of this current Conservative party -Liberal Democrat coalition.  So when we get to vote for the British representation in the Reichstag the European Parliament, the  'fig leave of democracy' in the Euro leviathan,  on the 22nd May , here's why (& then who) I shall be voting for - 

1. Duncan Smith. I cannot abide his extreme right wing views when it comes to poverty, welfare reform and the Daily Mail esque smearing of anyone in receipt of welfare as scroungers. The attitude on food banks (the very bloody fact that a FIRST WORLD country has sodding food banks in the first place is a utter disgrace upon the nation)  just made me sick. If you create a policy, which then has consequences you should be there in the House defending it , not scuttling off  or refusing to respond to criticism. 

2. I simply don't trust David Cameron and Nick Clegg went back on his biggest pledge- NOT raising tuition fees for university, which has fit our family financially .

3. I'm fed up generally with what is called the ' liberal urban metropolitan elite' (I might be urban and metropolitan myself, but I'm not liberal and I'm not an elite), condescending to any one who disagrees with their outlook as a Neanderthal bigot. Conservatives who have loyally served the party, never get listen to and it is time they responded to this and the broader feeling in the country.

4. Gay Marriage- No, no, no, no! I'm  fed up of people saying that anyone who has a traditional or religious outlook on marriage as being bigoted (see point 3). Even worse is the fact that a conservative government has done this , when it was never pledged before the election and the fact that it has clearly been done to 'detoxify' the apparently 'bigoted' Tory brand. (which is strange because conservatives accepted the established compromise of civil partnerships.  

5. Numerous bungling policies, not least has been Cameron's outmanoeuvre by the SNP, which could see the break up of our country 

6. George Osbourne - I've seen too much of his smugness 

7. Europe - the EU gets more dictatorial by the day. For our own sake, we need to leave this behemoth and leave it to the  French. 

8. The constant cutting of the defence forces has left us extremely vulnerable to attack

9. HS2- we don't need another railway that does bugger all, except to funnel state funding money to certain businesses.

10. The conservative party needs to listen to the people and undertake sensible, popular policies, which look after jobs, create wealth for all, not for a narrow few. 


So.... I shall be  protest voting UKIP : 

Nigel Farage


Tuesday, 8 April 2014

A knock at the door

Hello All,

This is my first blog post here, I hope it will be one of many...

Yesterday, as I was giving the house a thorough clean in time for Passover, there was a knock at the door. Who could this be, at 11 in the morning? It turned out to be two old ladies from the local C of E Church. Me being the good Jewish girl that I am, decided to invite them into the home and offer them a cup of tea or coffee. One we'd settled down, they came to the purpose of their visit. They were collecting throughout the Parish for.... a donation to their Church, specifically to repair their organ (that is the musical instrument). Whilst I knew that there was going to be a campaign to repair the Church organ, I politely declined the offer, explaining that as a Jew I did not feel that I could donate money which  was for the specific benefit of another religion and its worship. That didn't go down well, 'but' spluttered one of them 'the Church is the centre of the community and a beautiful building; it benefits everyone in the Parish' .

I've got to admit at that point, I sort of saw of red mist. You see I do, as a way of helping a friend in our town, who is also the Secretary of the Church, type up the minutes of the last Annual General Meeting of the Church (I do have sympathy, you see for a Mrs Hubbard type,  70 year old woman with chronic arthritis).   I couldn't quite see the logic here given that the membership of said Church is all of  50 people (out of a population of 3,000). And this is where I kinda lost it and told them that  if they had more members then they might be able to afford the repair themselves or perhaps if their own relatively affluent membership donated more than 50p per week per head to the Church, then they wouldn't need to beg off others. Needless to say they made a quick exit from my house soon after. I do feel guilty in some ways, but then I do think my point was a fair one. 

Shortly after there was another knock on the door. Oy, what is going on. This time a young women in her twenties and a middle aged women, I noticed they'd got Bibles & leaflets in their hands. At this rate I thought, I'll need another kettle. But, I thought it is raining and it wouldn't be very Jewish to slam the door in their faces. So much to their surprised and I think delight they got ushered in to our living room. So what were they knocking my door for? They were Bible believing Christians from a growing (200 members plus) Church from the bigger town by us, from something along the lines of the ' free evangelist church of Jesus the risen saviour'. They were in the neighbourhood, to invite people to a  Passover meal & presentation of the love of the Lord Jesus Christ. 

Great. 

I said, well I am a Jew, who is going to be celebrating the start of Passover next Monday evening, in my own home and therefore had the real deal .I was hoping they'd be a bit more clued to the fact that they were coming to a Jewish household as I deliberately put my Menorah in the window and of course we have a mezuzah right by the door bell (!). I guess they don't teach that at Bible school, I mused. Their eyes lit up and they asked if I had ever considered learning about Jesus in the Old Testament and how he fulfilled all of the Jewish prophecies ? I said that I had no idea why they were knocking on my door, but even if I had of know I would still have let them into my house, because  it was cold, wet and windy outside and as they looked like they had already had several doors slammed in their faces , that I should do the Jewish thing and welcome them into my house for a bit of refreshment. I pointed to their Bibles and said that this was as Biblical as they were, in Leviticus 19, 33 to 34  & as to why I could not be a Christian, Deuteronomy 10, 17 to 19 among other places. I did say to them I would be happy to discuss with them at length an essay I had written a couple of years ago whist I was reading my  MA : why I am a Jew and not a Christian. Needless to say, we got into a bit of a heated discussion. They couldn't quite grasp the fact that I had as much knowledge about their Bible as they did, which  flummoxed them and they left the house as quickly as they could , which disappointed me as we'd only covered Isaiah 53,  let alone going on to a critique of 'Hebrews', salvation and St Paul, among other things.

 I received visits from two different types of Christians. Musing about this is  important because I still live in what is overwhelming a white middle class 'christian' area. I live in what is still technically a national Christian state,so that will always be the predominate culture of the UK*. Therefore to a Jew,who will always be a minority in the UK, important to know what is going on within Christianity as this has an impact upon our faith and fortunes as well. To me I saw that one  group seemed to be entirely wrapped up in their own world, but entirely confident that someone else should be picking up the tab for their Church. The other group was outward looking, but again entirely confident that someone else would just automatically accept whatever they had to say at face value and without comment and getting a tad upset at the challenge. I'm not sure whether or not either approach was particularly effective. I do know that Christianity in all of its forms is certainly not dying in the UK. Rather, perhaps it is shifting and changing. As the C of E withers into discussions, often byzantine e.g. 'saving the organ' at a local level, or the obsessions with women Vicars and gay marriage at a national level, there are other, younger and confident denominations that are taking its place. So I don't buy this baloney about the Christian Church dying in the UK. It is merely a matter of change. 

*mythology about Islam aside- I doubt that the majority of the English would ever be truly comfortable ever adopting that religion, although I accept it will be a large minority of the population in years to come, which brings  problems and issues as well.



Monday, 7 April 2014

One of those days ...

Oy Vey!

So it is raining, the crow decided to shit on my coat. Then got to work and finally recevied an 'insurance renewal report' from my Brokers. The overview went like this :


'The insurance market remains relatively soft, however, due to the large EL claim on the EL/PPL policy, in conjunction with qualifying the quantum on the large motor claim in 2013; the loss ratio for the motor is 103% and the frequency ratio is also at 67.6%, Underwriters have advised that in order to price this risk accordingly, they are seeking a rating increase for this years renewal of 60%....'



Does anyone actually know what this means in plain English other than there has been a lot of claims and the insurance company wants to recoup some of its money. So time for a game of bull-shite bingo :



ConversationHigh-LevelIn a NutshellScopeBuzz
StrategizeReuse / ReusabilityPatentLegacySales Driven
Reverse EngineerDeadlinesBULLSHIT BINGO
(free square)
Mission CriticalStrategic
Top Of The GameDiversityIntegrationProactiveWorkflow
Tailwind[s]Market LeaderProcessExperiencesEyeballs