Thursday, 22 May 2014
Letter to G-d
I hope that you are well. I appreciate that as creator and master of the universe, people might think you probably might not have the time to check this little letter to you, although I understand that you are our Avinu Malkeinu; our Father and our King.
You know I love you loads,even though I went through a long period of not believing you existed, that I didn't want to bother with you& you know that I sometimes want to ask you difficult questions, like why did you give us such wonderful stuff in your Torah, only for people to use it badly? Why do people insist that why you gave us your creation and your science, one is told you have to pick you or science?
You know I've screamed at you before, very loudly, and asked you why me and Rachel never got a chance to meet my mum and dad. Why was life was being taken as it was being given? I know that they are at the Shabbat table in Gan Eden, the place of peace which is like the feeling after sex or the warmth of a sunny day. But I still would like to know stuff. What do they think of me? My life? My choices? My relationships ? Do they mind if I'm gay? Do they like my beloved, Sarah? Do they love me? Are they proud of me? What about my brother's first wife, his son and my sister's daughter?I have mourned their passing, so, so greatly. You know I grieved the loss of dear uncle Hashy, who raised me in difficult circumstances; is he still smoking his pipe? Is he still grumpy and stubborn? Is he with auntie Eleanor? I know that you love all nations of this world and that he followed you all the days of his life. You know that.
You know I'm not the best Jew or the most observant one, I try and meet you through living, the attempts to be kind, to not let my 'inner bitch' come out too much, trying to do and not to do... & friends and family. I enjoy the Shabbat you gave us. We light candles, break bread and drink wine over prayers, sing , eat discuss the Torah, debate & reflect over the week together,often till the early hours of the morning (especially as one of my brothers is now living with us!). You know that, though, because you are with us there.
You know I've struggled a lot in trying to meet with you; being an atheist, then looking into Christianity, now returned to the Jewish fold. .My brother David says to me what is more important is how we all act in the world, rather than what we say we believe.I know you understand all of this because I just have that sense of shalom, peace completeness and wholeness . You know that for the first time in a very long time I'm beginning to feel happy. I don't know if that will last, because life is life. Good and bad. But YOUR love,G-d, is eternal as you've said via King David (Psalm 136), it never ceases or ends.
That's what I like about you G-dHashem, ani ohev otra
God, I love you loads xxx