Thursday, 24 July 2014

On a lighter note ....


David here.  The past few weeks have been intense and we've covered a lot of deep topics. But every so often we need the G-d given gift of laughter and humour, which can be as therapeutic as any drug. To keep our spirits up,  below are a selection of well known Jewish jokes. I post these, not to be frivolous, but to celebrate and recognise that we Jews DO have a G-d given sense of humour. Which we all need to reach out to now and again.

The Million-Dollar Question for God

A poor man walking in the forest feels close enough to God to ask, "God, what is a million years to you?
God replies, "My son, a million years to you is like a second to me."
The man asks, "God, what is a million dollars to you?"
God replies, "My son, a million dollars to you is less than a penny to me. It means almost nothing to me."The man asks, "So God, can I have a million dollars?"
And God replies, "In a second."

Public Toilets
Bloomberg, on a business trip, found himself having a public toilet. He had just made himself comfortable when he noticed that the toilet paper roll was empty. He called out to the next booth, "Excuse me, friend, but do you have any toilet paper in there?"
"No, I'm afraid there doesn't seem to be any here, either."
Bloomberg paused for a moment. "Listen, he said, do you happen to have a newspaper or a magazine with you?"
"Sorry, I don't."
Bloomberg paused again, and then said, "How about two fives for a ten?"

The Priest And The Rabbi
A priest and a rabbi were sharing a compartment on a train. After a while, the priest put down his book and said to the Rabbi, "I know that in your religion you're not supposed to eat pork... but have you really never ever tasted it?"
The rabbi closed his newspaper and replied, "I must tell you the truth. Yes I have, on the odd occasion."
The rabbi then had his turn to interrogate. He asked, "I know that in your religion you're supposed to be celibate... but..."
The priest interrupted, "Yes, I know what you are going to ask, and yes, I have succumbed to temptation once or twice."
The two continued with their reading and there was silence for a while.
Then the rabbi peeked around his newspaper and said, "Better than pork, isn't it?

Adam and Eve
One day, God and Adam were walking in the Garden of Eden.
God told Adam that it was time to populate the world. "Adam", he said, "you can start by kissing Eve".
"What’s a kiss?", asked Adam.
God explained and then Adam took Eve behind a bush and kissed her.
Adam returned with a big smile on his face and said, "Lord, that was great! What’s next?".
"Now you must caress Eve".
"What’s caress?", asked Adam.
God explained and then Adam took Eve behind a bush and lovingly caressed her.
Adam returned with a bigger smile and said, "Lord, that was even better than a kiss! What’s next?".
"Here is what gets the deed done. Now I want you to make love to Eve".
"What is make love?", asked Adam. 
God explained and then Adam took Eve behind the bush.
A few seconds later, Adam returned and asked, "Lord, what is a headache?".

Finally here is a clip from the British comedy duo 'Two Ronnies' about some one who wishes to insure himself against being Jewish : 

Enjoy and take these jokes in the spirit in which they are offered .

G-d bless you all. 


  1. Hi Dov,

    ROFL!! Thanks. just wot I needed today! (:

  2. Dov,

    Great . Here is another one :

    A Rabbi, a cantor, and a synagogue president were driving to a seminar when they were kidnapped. The highjackers asked the three of them to hand over all of their money and jewellery. When they replied that they hadn't any, the hijackers told them that immediately after their last wishes were fulfilled, they would be killed.
    "My last wish," began the Rabbi, is to give a fascinating, complicated, long sermon that I have always wanted to but never been allowed to give."
    "We will grant your wish," the hijackers replied.
    "My last wish," said the cantor, "is to sing a beautiful, Yemenite style song, one of my own compositions lasting two hours. I have never been allowed to sing it."
    "We'll let you sing it," replied the hijackers.
    "What is your last wish," the hijackers asked the shul president.
    "Please, please shoot me now."

  3. Oh and another -

    Billy Graham went to see the Pope in Rome. While he was waiting, Billy noticed a red phone. As he was ushered in to talk to the Pope, he asked, "What's the red phone for?"
    "That's to talk to God," came the reply.
    "Really," Billy gasped, "how much does such a call cost - it's an awful long way?"
    "£10,000 a minute, but it's well worth it." answered the Pope.
    Some weeks later, Billy Graham went to see the Chief Rabbi in Jerusalem. He noticed that he, too, had a red phone. "I don't suppose," asked Billy, "that this phone is to talk to God?"
    "Yes it is." came the reply.
    "And how much does that cost?" Billy inquired.
    "Twenty pence a minute," shrugged the chief rabbi.
    "How come it's so cheap?" Billy asked, "the Pope has a phone like that and it costs £10,000 a minute!"
    "Well," grinned the Chief Rabbi, "From here it's just a local call."

  4. A rabbi and a priest are the lone passengers on a plane. Suddenly, the plane's engines conk out. Immediately, the priest grabs the only parachute and jumps out.
    The pilot asks the rabbi, "How will you survive?"
    The rabbi answers, "Don't worry about me, the priest took my tallis bag by mistake."

  5. LOL! Great to see you guys still have your renowned sense of humour (:


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